Well, well, well... a punk hooker? My commie roommate is experimenting again! Damn, these shoes are tacky. Stripes and gemstones? Really!?!

The Russian must be paying extra to keep his company around all night, because I'm starting to find these hooker heels in the morning. When I stagger downstairs to the kitchen, I practically trip on the damn things.

What does he see in a girl that dresses like a freakin' clown? These hooker shoes look like they came out of a Tim Burton movie, or something. I know punks, and they wouldn't wear something like this. This is just--

WAIT A DAMN MINUTE!!!

WTF is this!?! The stripes and gemstones are just knit leggings that were slipped over another pair of boots! And it's-- holy crap, it's the Black Hole Hooker! A repeat customer! That clever devil! I don't know whether to be angry or impressed! This tramp fooled me into photo-documenting her ridiculous hooker shoes twice! WTF? I see how it is: those Soviets like their sluts a little sneaky! Well played, madame, well played...

Looks like my roommate got himself a holiday hooker again this year. I found these skanky heels on Christmas morning, tossed beside the tree and that creepy animatronic drunken Santa figure. Honestly, I'm not sure which is more disturbing. The house was silent. Apparently she had already unwrapped his Christmas package and had her way with him.

What's the point of the red soles, I wonder? Is it so when her legs are in the air they act as a stop sign for other Johns? "Nevermind the guy I'm blowing... When you see red, it means I'm busy!" I'm all for holiday cheer, I just don't think colored soles are especially practical. Who am I kidding, is there anything practical about hooker heels? It's icy enough outside without having to walk on those stilts!

Well, as long as I don't have to listen to him nailing her, I suppose this is a moment to be cherished. I think I'll have a beer. Happy Holidays, everyone!

Victor Falls Victim to Redundant Dominatrix

What has eight buckles and six zippers and makes you look like a superfluous whore? Why, it's another pair of hooker shoes, of course! And from the looks of it, this one is vying for a go-go dancer job at a local goth club. Hey, that would be a step up from working the corner of 5th and Hennepin.

WTF!?! Do you have any idea how long it takes to get all of these straps and zippers closed up? While setting up this photo, I timed myself: a solid 90 seconds per shoe. It's no wonder porn stars leave their shoes on... You can't make the Russian wait that long!

Unless that's the point... and you're torturing him. Ahaaaaa! Suddenly, the pieces all fit!

Luckily for me, I was called away on assignment last night, so I didn't have to endure the Soviet Sex Symphony, yet again. Whew! That was a close one!

Sergei Seduces Darth Debbie

Until today, I had never seen a Sith chick, but I'm betting that's who these babies belong to. I can just imagine some poorly-executed Star Wars cosplay girl clomping around in these monster 5" wedges. Dear Lord!

How the hell are these sexy? Anybody? WTF!?! The engineer in me thinks that maybe she just wears these so she can reach the top shelf in the cupboards, but why wouldn't she just use the Force? Seriously, I bet I could push her over with one finger. We could line up a whole street of girls dressed in these and play Dominoes!

Yes, the Russians got an early start, tonight. It's only 7:30 and already I'm hearing squeaks, slaps, yelps, and gasps. I've turned up the fans in my room to generate more masking noise, but it's no use. In this economy, the pub funds are mighty low, but if they don't finish up soon, I'm afraid I'll be left with no choice.

Aw, hell. Who am I'm kidding? I'm gonna end up there anyway. Stupid Sith.

Mirror, Mirror on My Thong... Russian Call Girls Do it Wrong!

Happy Anniversary to Heelz!

This post marks the 20th pair of hooker shoes I've documented since this adventure began! Thanks to all of my loyal fans and readers across the globe! I couldn't have reached this milestone without your encouragement!

Heels? Check.

Filthy soles? Check.

Jeweled Mirrors? Ch-- wait. What?

Why the hell would anybody do this!?! Are we really so insecure that we need to mount reflective surfaces on our footwear? No time to run to the loo and powder your nose? No problem! Just hold your shoe up to your face and "voila!", you pass out from the stench! Seriously, I just don't get it. Mirrors? What's the deal... rhinestones aren't big enough?

Maybe I need to back up even more... They're friggin' thongs! Do they really need to be heels? Flip-flops weren't enough for you? I guess not. You had to go all ho, didn't you?

And who needs an alarm clock when you can wake up to your Russian roommate and his escort bumpin' uglies at 6am? Nothing starts off your day like the the wail of "Da. Da. DA. DA. DA. DA! DA, COMRADE!!!!!

*sigh*

Happy 20th, you crazy Ivans.

Ivan Infiltrates Diamond Daisy

All we have to go on are the photos of these shoes. How does my Russian roommate attract these women? Is it really just his girlfriend with all of these shoes, or is it multiple women? And what kind of girl would wear these shoes in the first place? I've never really confronted him about it, and I really don't care to, so your guess is as good as mine!

And so long as we're guessing, why not think big? Here's the best hypothesis I have come up with:

This old-timer in his mid-80s has been a faithful husband for decades, though he still makes eyes at girls in their 20s. The Mrs. often notices him drooling (literally) and smacks him with her purse. But then he reminds her that he used to look at her that way when they first met, and she blushes. Amazingly, the old boy still has healthy equipment and a sex drive that would put a Labrador to shame, but his dear elderly wife is just too frail for these things. She still loves her husband, and decides to lavish him with one scandalous gesture for their anniversary. As it was their 60th wedding anniversary, he saved his poker winnings and bought her a diamond ring. The lady sold lots of socks and sweaters she had knit, saved the profits, and bought him an evening with a buxom young prostitute, decorated with big dangley diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, a diamond naval piercing, a diamond-studded purse, waist chain, anklet... you name it: this broad had diamonds on her. It's a house call, so the escort calls a cab to take her to the old folks' home, but she gets the address all wrong and ends up a half-hour's travel in the wrong direction. She pays the cabbie, but has no extra cash on hand to get to the right address. Thinking quickly (as all prostitutes do), she decides to make some quick money doing what she does best in order to earn enough money for cab fare.

Her first client is this Russian fellow who take her home, shags her silly, and keeps her in his room until 3pm the next day.

Queue ME, stumbling through the door after a weekend of hard work at my northwoods cabin: tired, sweaty, aching, and yearning for nothing but a hot shower, and a long nap. He's pounding her so hard the pictures on wall are going crooked. So much for my peace and quiet. Neighborhood pub; we meet again. Here's a health to some blue old chap with old blue balls: I'm not sure whose fate is worse.

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As Seen On TV!

Raise your hand if you've ever stumbled upon something like this before. I come home from work at 6pm. There are no shoes by the door. The house is quiet. I open the fridge, pull out a beer, put on a smile and start for the living room. And then I find this. WTF?

Under what circumstances did it become practical or necessary to put hooker shoes on top of my television? And why? Is the floor no longer a suitable repository for slutty footwear? Do these particular shoes not draw enough attention to themselves and need to be elevated to a higher stature? Funny, I'm not sexually aroused by heels in the slightest, but nearly at eye-level, these things are downright intrusive... right in your face. What am I supposed to do, here? I can't rightly sit down for an episode of Family Guy with these things staring at me from atop my TV. All I can think of is Quagmire doing that "Giggidy giggidy giggidy goo" thing...

Dammit, the Russians aren't even making any noise up there! They must be asleep. At 6pm. I have no idea. But I can't keep sitting here with these things all up in my business. *sigh* Looks like I'm off to the pub again...

Russian Roommate Nails Narnia Ice Queen

Ok, Tilda Swinton is tasty, but I don't think that's what's going on here. I get home from one helluva day, and the Soviet has this girl over his shoulder and is carrying her upstairs all fireman style. She's giggling and kicking and screaming, and practically falling out of her clothes, and now they're loudly having sex in the next room.

I don't think I can take much more of this. I've already drank my quotient today, so there's no escaping to the pub. I'm just going to have to stay here and put up with this Tom Foolery. WTF!?! There's no way he can out-nail me! I'm calling for backup! Who wants to help me get some loud sexy revenge?

Love Is A Chrome Toaster

Well, the Russian roommate has really done it this time. Aparrently, he's getting his pencil wet in a Cylon, and I don't mean one of those hot skinjob models.

Check out the paint job on these babies! It looks like they reflect silver from one angle, and black from another! It's like one of those flicker-stickers they had in the 80s, only a little less gay. If you said that this is the kind of girl who would bang a guy who drives a modded Honda Civic, you'd be right. That's exactly what my roommate is... a rice-burner mechanic. And when he's not polishing off his socket set, he's doing a lube job on chicks like this. Dear Lord...

Gregor Goes Gay

I think my Soviet roommate might be experimenting. I mean, look at these things... floral-print satin calf-wrap-ups? Theses things are just way too FABULOUS for a heterosexual, am I right? WTF? Either that, or he's banging some Barnum & Bailey's clown.

Those colors are bright enough to land approaching aircraft! And here's another thing... these ones smell like perfume. What's going on here? Is designer shoe fragrance the new thing? Am I just out of the loop? WTF!?!?! Why do these things stink pretty?

After I'm done washing my eyes out with acid, I think I'll have a beer and huff some chloroform.